Match info
| Date | League | Winner | Loser | Score | Type | |||||
| 2005-07-28 | TFL 3a | UsK | United Serial Killers | 87.78 +1.03 |
TiTz | The Intangible TFC Zealots | 0.22 -1.03 |
250-0 290-80 | Vidars Vidars |
|
Writeup:
UsK over TiTz
I'm going to tell you a little story of a certain young man (me) who didn't eat his greens and had a very unpleasant experience (explosive diarrhea) in his first year of term. If you're easily offended then don't read this!!!! McDaddy has never been the same since this happened.
How it all started
It all started one day when I decided to go on a one week bender and spend the rest of my student loan on booze. Late one night I decided to go out clubbing at my local pulling palace (as most students do) to try my luck. The nights diet consisted of Stella, Guinness and a red hot curry on the way home along with an alright looking bird to help me sleep (You know what I mean!!!). Anyway, the night went well and I awoke in the morning a VERY happy chappy!! So, as always, I decided to go out again the following night, same club, same drinks but different lady friend. Again I awoke a happy man and thought why the hell not, I'll go out again. This went on for about a week and all I ate in that week was Guinnes, Stella, red hot curry and beans on toast. Little did I know that I was creating my own internal time bomb which would explode at any time with no warning.
Disaster struck!
After a week of the above diet and frantic partying my bomb was about to explode and in the worse place. The final day of my bender I left the club at about 2:04 and 23 seconds (I remember it well) and proceeded to the doors. After leaving I felt a very abnormal pain and pressure in my abdomen and realised that I really needed a dump. The bouncers on the other hand refused to let me use the toilet to relief my pressure so I was in a bit of a fix. After feeling the pain getting worse I asked them again but still the same response. But then, yes you guessed it, my rectum exploded spraying my underwear with very unpleasant stuff. The force was so powerful I felt it ricochet off my boxer shorts and started running down my leg. Totally shocked with current events I decided it was time to go home rather quickly. As I started to run I felt the 'stuff' move around in my underwear just waiting to make a quick exit down my leg. 10 minutes later after holding my briefs and running like somebody who just shat their pants, I finally got to my front door. But my arse just didn't know when to quit and it happened again, same stuff, more violent reaction and even more bulge at the back of my brand-new pants.
Home at last
When I finally got the damn key to turn in the lock I opened the door, ran up 3 flights of stairs and into the bathroom. As you might have guessed my underpants looked like they spent the last week on holiday in France during the Second World War. After cleaning myself up for about an hour I went to bed and prayed that nobody noticed my little unpleasantness outside the club.
No justice!
I awoke that morning only to find that I had the same feeling but this time I made it to the toilet with little bother. Can you imagine this lasting for 3 weeks? Well I can because it did! No joke, 3 weeks of running to the toilet ever hour hurling the contents of my bowls a light speed down the pan. Couldn't go out because I remembered what happened last time so I was really not in the mood for crap toilet jokes.
Down the docs!
After 2 weeks of giving my bog something to chew on and using 5 (10 rolls per packet) packets of toilet roll I decided it was time to see the doctor. Anyway, I sent in a sample (nice!!) and waited for the results. When I got the results back they said nothing was showing up and asked me if I was eating enough vegetables which I replied with 'I have plenty with my curry and donar kebabs'. The doctor looked at me a little strange and suggested that I go and buy some fruit and vegetables to sort out my 'backdoor' troubles.
Send in the troops
After taking the doctor's advice I got the stuff I needed and eat about ?2 worth of green stuff called 'vegetables' and decided I would have an early night.
Relief at last
After waking up in a pleasant mood I noticed that I didn't need the toilet for my regular relief. The day past and still nothing. Could my terrible illness have past? Yes, joy to the world and all that!!!! No more was I running to the toilet with only seconds to spare. No longer did I have to pebbledash the toilet bowl with burning tar. I was free again! My bottom no longer controlled my life.
So remember, always eat your greens!
After this terrible event in my life I learnt one important thing. ALWAYS EAT YOUR GREENS!!!! You never know when the events mentioned in this article could effect you! Of course the worst thing about this was spending so much money on the toilet bowl. ?25 that toilet roll cost me and I couldn't even use it twice!!
GG TiTz that was some crazt TFC
