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|3eer over 3Q

Beer 130, 3Q 90





Rather than composing a long diatribe detailing the community?s nuances, assets, and blemishes while masquerading itself as an in-depth analysis of tonight?s match, the Beergarden Writeup Team instead chose to pay Bergenhell a couple of e-bucks to freestyle it. The team could have probably gotten him to do it for free, but after the injustice the man has suffered over the past few weeks, it seemed only fair to offer him something. The team?s thought was that since everyone knows Berg, loves Berg, and values everything Berg has to say, there was no one better suited to report tonight?s match between the Beer Boys and the Qberts than Berg was. No one.

-The Beergarden Writeup Team


From Berg:
First off, let me say that I?m disappointed with the number of hackers out there who have yet to approach me about joining Inferno. I know you?re out there. Heck, even the TFC admins know you?re out there but they don?t care. I?ve done my research. I know your IP addresses, I know your mothers, and I know most of your Social Security Numbers, and yet, you guys still don?t call. Why don?t you call? I can?t wait forever. Okay, I can wait forever. Sort of like I?ve been waiting forever for STA to overturn that horrible match against Beer a few weeks back. But I?m a patient man. I have to be. Only my patience and e-rep can keep me warm at night.

So about tonight?s match. I did everything in my power to make sure other teams did not have to suffer at the hands of Beer?s servers and players as I could. I lodged protests. I staged rallies. I even had my mom bake them all pies laced with something special, but it wasn?t until I had my guys ping bomb the Beer server this afternoon that I was satisfied with my efforts. Turns out that baby can?t handle 250K connections/second. I knew that machine was defective. I still wake up in the middle of the night with my sheets drenched with sweat from the night terrors I?ve been suffering since that server win. My psychologist has been calling me ?Aquaman? because of it.

I was feeling good about the Q-bait?s match tonight. From my viewpoint, Beer had no server, no talent, and only a few aliased hackers around to play tonight. I put all my e-bucks on 3Q. Yeah, all 40 of them. But then 3Q went and screwed everything up. First their HW has Steam issues and can?t connect until 20 minutes into the first round, so 3Q plays HW by committee. I think everyone on the roster took a shot at it until Doc showed up. Pitiful. The Beer server is dead and 3Q can barely manage to get a full team together before their limit of 47 restarts is exhausted. Inexcusable. By the time 3Q gives the guy on dial-up the HW position, Beer?s already scored half a dozen times. That?s the game right there. Beer got new SteamIDs. 3Q got Steamed.

Here?s my question. How is it that most teams can barely come up with the requisite number of players on any given night, but week in and week out, Beer has nearly enough people to field two complete teams? How does that work? What kind of person voluntarily benches himself both rounds so that others can play? What kind of team value is that? You can?t turn down playing time; it has to be taken from you. That?s the way it works in Inferno, and I imagine everyone would agree with me. First Beer starts harboring aliased hackers. Then Beer exercises a monopoly on free agents. Then half of those free agents don't even play. All I can figure is that they?re sharing their hacks over there. I bet their practice sessions are like going to a drama camp where they teach you how to act like a ?legit? player even though you?ve got enough add-ons to make a porn star blush. Here?s a piece of advice: use the method approach and stop with the hacking.

Need more evidence that Beer has hacking players. 3Q got rolled by what used to pass for the Avengers offense. The Avengers! You remember them, don?t you? They toiled around in Copper for the longest while, made the jump to Bronze, and then died. Now they?re beating Gold teams? The only possible, realistic, and credible explanation for that is "shared hacks". From top to bottom, Beer?s dirty. And not dirty like Christina Aguilera. No, this is dirty like the kid that buries himself in the sandbox that Ms. Scary Old Cat Lady?s pack of felines uses as a litter box. There?s no way that kid?s coming home with me, just like there?s no chance any of Beer?s players getting in my front door either. That door is closed for everyone but Hyperion. Hyperion is so awesome that I?d bare his first born child if I had the equipment. I?d even name the kid Hadez after his father. Basically, 3Q got beat by the remnants of Redeye, Avengers, and some old school Beer Boys even after all the string!
s I pulled. It hurts. It hurts bad.

I suppose I should have seen this coming. I should have realized that 3Q had just as bad of a server as Beer does. Some circles believe it?s even worse, but I?m not one to start debates like that. No, I am merely the beacon of common sense that beams brightly to enlighten the community. If it had been me, I would have told Skull and his friends to get a real server because real servers like Inferno?s annihilate the Beer Boys. They can?t handle such quality. It?s like taking a guy that grew up bull riding and asking him to start show jumping; once he mounts the beast, he doesn?t even know where to begin. For future reference, Beer loves the junk but can?t deal with a steady flow of packets. If it was me, and I had a bad server like 3Q where the pings jump from 55 to 150 without warning and without regularity, I?d be upgrading as soon as possible. If everyone were to do that, Beer?s record would start looking like the Charlotte Bobcats? instead of the Houston Rockets?.

And there you have it. Beer wins because 3Q runs its server out of the same trailer park as Beer does. I did all that I could and more than most men would even dare to dream of, and still Beer manages to thwart my efforts for a third consecutive week. I shall now retire to bed with the comfort of my patience and the belief that someday soon, Beer?s rise will stall. Perhaps next week TDA will show everyone something so gruesome, so vile, so monstrous that it is beyond man?s capacity to describe it. That could very well come to pass unless the rumors of TDA having a hell-spawned server are true. If they are, and Beer wins more than a single match in Gold, God help us all.

-Bergenhell
#infernoclan

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